Do you find yourself in an argument every time you try to express your emotions? Or find that things escalate very quickly when you try to express how you’re feeling?

This can be so frustrating and we often want to blame the other person or feel like they’re being unreasonable but, in truth, it could be how you’re communicating.

When people come to me for advice and help in my personal life and within my coaching work, one of the biggest issues they have are interpersonal.  That is, they are having trouble with somebody or several people.  It could be their partner, their child, their parent, their boss or anybody else.  We’re social creatures and interpersonal relationships are important to us.

Especially our closest relationships.  But guess what? It’s our closest relationships that are the most challenging.  They’re the people who most easily trigger us without even intentionally trying.  We love them but communication often ends up with either or both party feeling unheard, invalidated, unloved, frustrated and angry.  No matter how hard we try, they just don’t get what we are saying and will often take offence, be on defence and likely attack back. Leaving both of you wounded and deflated.

Fighting about the same things over and over?

Often we’ll argue about the same things over and over again! And never get resolve.  Sound familiar?  Chances are you’re not a great communicator.  Along with thousands of other people out there that are also arguing with their loved ones.

I used to think I was really good at communicating my emotions.  I’m pretty articulate and in touch with my emotions – what’s the big deal?  But truth is it was a tough and challenging struggle to get resolve when I raised them. I knew how I felt I just couldn’t get other people to see how I felt.

I realised, Fact – I was useless at communicating my emotions, and trying often ended with me shouting at my husband.

Through years of self-reflection, meditation and learning about psychology I learnt a few things about communication, and communicating how I feel, and today I want to share with you the first of three tips that have massively improved my relationships.

BUILD YOUR EMOTIONS VOCABULARY

I know it sounds silly but I can’t stress how important it is.  If you’re a grown adult, you’re probably thinking, ‘I’ve got enough vocabulary to communicate my emotions’. But I’m willing to bet you don’t.  You see the thing is that we don’t express how we’re feeling, we express how we perceive others are treating us – big difference.

Do you find yourself saying things like

·       I feel unsupported or I feel like you don’t support me

·       I feel let down or I feel like you let me down

·       I feel cornered or I feel like you’ve got me cornered

None of these are emotions.  They are projections. We know we are projecting when we start sentences with “I feel like you…”.

PROJECTING ON TO OTHERS

We are projecting our perceptions on the other person, not expressing how we feel. The problem is, we view the world through our perception which is unique to us and not necessarily shared by others. So, while our emotions can be real, our perception is often off kilter. That’s why you don’t get the reception you were looking for when you communicate like this. Instead you get your listener’s back up – you can expect attack or shut down but don’t expect a supportive ear.

REAL EMOTIONS AND EMOTIONAL VOCABULARY

If things are getting heated when you’re talking about how you feel, you’re probably not saying things like;

·       I feel disgruntled, disheartened, lonely or agitated

·       I feel forlorn or wistful or humdrum

·       I feel pessimistic or harried or resentful

These are real emotions, they are felt by you. When you communicate in this way with real emotions you get a completely different response from your listener.  Instead of feeling defensive your listener will register your pain in their heart. They are more likely to feel compassion, and want to help. 

I’m willing to bet that your emotions vocabulary bank is not very big.  The first thing you could do to become a better communicator is learn more words that accurately describe how you are feeling. Expanding your vocabulary reduces frustration and is so empowering.

Want to feel loved when you express how you feel?

Having a handy list of emotions available in the house or at work is an excellent way to start communicating more effectively with your family, friends and colleagues. We’ve been using this poster in our house for years and its amazing how much better we are at communicating. Sometimes we’re just not sure how we’re feeling, but that’s not a problem when you have an emotions list poster, just find your poster and pick the emotions that best resonates with what you’re feeling. Start communicating better and get the support you need today.  Enter your email below to download my emotions list poster and help everybody in your family or at work to be better communicators.

UNDERSTANDING EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS

if you want to communicate your feelings and emotions you have to understand them first. You need to know what you’re feeling. The problem is that we don't value feelings in the west so we don’t invest in really learning to understand them. And when we communicate them, we don't really know what we're trying to communicate, or why we're trying to communicate it.

We don't even really know how we feel

Ever had a dispute with someone and, as you thought about what happened, you get more confused and more worked up? And the story just goes round and round in your head like a stuck record. And no matter how much it goes round in your head you’re either no clearer on how you feel about it, or you’re just angrier cos you’ve got yourself all worked up?

Sometimes trying to work things out in your head

just makes things worse

YOU HAVE TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS

We naturally run away from our feelings when they’re negative. We don’t want to feel something that doesn’t feel nice. But, in truth, feeling our feelings is the only way to release them .

First, we need to locate where in our body we’re feeling it.

Get curious. Do you feel it in your gut?  Or is your heart heavy? Are your shoulders hunched and your back rounded?  Or are your shoulders back and your chest out? Is your breath short and shallow? Do you feel energised in your arms or hands? Do you feel weak at the knees?

This is probably a new experience for many people because we tend not to embody our experiences but instead go straight to our brain to work it out. But our bodies are communicators, they have feeling centres that communicate information to the brain.  These feelings and sensations are there to tell us something of our experience.  Don’t block them out but instead be curious about what your body is trying to tell you.

Second write about it.

You see there's a big difference between thinking about something and trying to process it in your head, and writing about it in a journal.

When we think about it, we just go on autopilot loop. We don't come up with anything new or creative. We don't come up with new thoughts or inspirations, instead we just replay the tape over and over again.

But here's the thing. Every time we do that, we make ourselves more righteous or more victim, and we make the other person more wrong. We tweak the story and emphasize little bits so we can feel better about ourselves. It might be self-serving in the moment but in the long run its likely to cause damage to our relationships

Rumination sabotages relationships

When we write about it, we don’t endlessly write about it over and over again in a loop and get nowhere.  We actually write an account of what happened from our perception.  And through this action we can start to discern what is it, exactly, that triggered us.  What was it that was said that really went to our core?

I start by writing a detailed objective account of what happened and I keep writing and keep writing.

When we do this we can start to look inwards and use it as a growing edge to understanding ourselves better.  I keep writing until I work out why I’m so upset. Until I uncover what it is inside of me that is so upset.

THE POWER OF KNOWING YOUR EMOTIONS

When someone hits a raw nerve in us, we know that this is an area to be explored.  The more we explore these hidden parts of ourselves and uncover what’s been triggered, the less people can trigger us and the more control we have over our lives. 

We also start to take responsibility for our part in things and, the less we blame other people for our uneasiness.  Sound like more harmony? It might not excuse what someone else has done but without our baggage wrapped up in there, perhaps we can have a more relative response or even have some compassion for the other person.

So, next time you feel triggered, annoyed, anxious or stressed try to notice where in your body you are feeling it, get your journal out at the next available opportunity and start writing.  Right from the very first time you do this, you will find you have more clarity on the situation than if you’d kept going over and over it in your head. The best part of all this? The more you do this the better you will get at understanding how you feel and the better you will get at expressing your emotions. You’ll learn a whole lot about yourself that you never knew and you’ll be less triggered and effected by what others have to say.

I’ve got a attic full of journals!

I’ve been writing journals for nearly twenty years because they’re a really good way of managing overwhelming emotions. And over the years I’ve written pages and pages of stuff that I found challenging at the time. Occasionally if I glance back through them it amazes me how much more emotional intelligence I have now than when I started. I also find now that I get triggered less and know myself really well.

Want to know yourself better and understand your emotions?

Learn more vocabulary that expresses emotions and start journaling!

See you back here next week for part two of how to communicate your emotions without causing an argument, and start your journey to a more peaceful and harmonious life. And if you love your poster please share this blog with your friends and family so they can get the poster too.